Adieu, April!
the things that defined my month, in defiance of my monthly instagram story post
Even since I’ve deleted Instagram, I still develop terrible FOMO near the end of the month when all of the cool girls that live in my phone post their monthly recaps. Two months in a row, I’ve redownloaded the app on the last day of the month so as to not feel too left out.
This month, I decided to move my recap to my favorite platform!
Listening . . .
I usually accompany my post with a screenshot of my Recieptify, a platform that tracks the songs you listen to each month. Here’s my top songs this month:
Notably, Lorde’s new single took the number one spot despite having come out on the 24th. She has me in a chokehold, what can I say!
Sidenote: I really enjoyed b*tchfork’s recent article about the song! Read it! It helped me contexualize a lot of the lyricism, in turn allowing me to appreciate her songwriting more.
I also am engrossed in Addison Rae’s newest song and am unpatienly waiting her June album release. Lately I’ve seen a lot of discourse about her rebrand and image, specifically whether it’s genuine, or if that even matters. Personally, I understand exactly what she is trying to convey with her Madonna-esque/it-girl vision. I’m fully here for her moment, which is just beginning!
Watching . . .
My letterboxd entries this month were few, yet strong!
They are as follows: “Queer,” 4 stars; “Y2K,” 1 star; “Fantastic Planet,” 5 stars; “Fantastic Planet” (again, three days later), 5 stars; “Alien: Romulus,” 3.5 stars and “Companion,” 2.5 stars.
“Fantastic Planet” is a ‘70s French animated film, and replaced “Fire of Love” for a spot in my top 4 this month. It’s on Max, and you should watch it.
This film is best watched blind, so all I’ll say is that I feel like someone reached into my psyche and put all of the things i value in film into one for me, and that is “Fantastic Planet.” It has a gorgeous, consistent color pallete, beautiful world-building and character writing, an soundtrack for the books, it’s french (!!) and it has so much soul in it, I feel a third watch incoming!
Doing . . .
This month I did a big chop, and I did it myself (thank you to my partner, Sam, for helping me out with the back).
I had a vision of a parisian bob with blunt bangs a few days prior and couldn’t get it out of my mind. This is usually how I make hair decisions: I think of what I want and then obsess over the idea until the thought of not cutting my hair sounds insane. And since I’m a college student two hours away from my favorite salon in KC, I did it myself. I’m sounding like someone who would end up making a huge mistake at the end of this, but I’m really obsessed with it — and I think we did a good job!
I spoke with my therapist, Renee, last week about how this decision was also tied to my feelings towards men.
After publishing my last Substack post about an recent incident where I was sexually harassed at work, I read Girl Online’s essay “how to kill the man inside your head.” She describes the theory of the male gaze, which Margaret Atwood explains best:
Even pretending you aren’t catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you’re unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.
In conjuction with this idea, I’m in the midst of recovery with my eating disorder-focused dietitian, Erika, whose helped me identify that there is another voice in my head: my ED voice (some people in recovery literally refer to this voice as “Ed”). I think these voices are really one: a collective male gaze hoping that I’ll submit to their nagging and one day become a smaller, meeker woman.
Girl Online talks about the constant effort that is ignoring the gaze:
On the days I have my guard down, he wakes up and tells me that the girl with leg hair is gross. That the single woman in her 50s must be sad. That the single mother doesn’t value herself. That the unapologetic woman is a slut. That the fat woman is unloveable. That I need to make myself lighter again. That my nose is too big. That my tummy is too jiggly. And I believe him. Just for a moment. Until I bludgeon him to comatose once again.
I’ve always hidden behind long hair, using face-framing layers to shield my round face and chin. So, on the cusp of summer, the time of the year where it’s easiest to fall back into old habits, I wanted to face a major fear.
So really, this haircut was a giant stab at the man (men?) inside my head.
And I love it so much, but I’m also just very relieved I didn’t screw it up.
I’m in a bit of a writing slump so I’m hoping this quick, informal wrap up can both inspire some consistency in writing and allow some reflection of my month without indulging in an unnecessary life update post!
Thanks for reading; Adieu, April!
Ava — Femme Focus ✶
Very interesting idea of having a “man’s voice inside our head”. I will have to think about that for awhile. Thank you for sharing and love your new haircut! Good for you for facing a challenge head on. Proud of you!
loved reading this yayayayay